my best friend.

my new favorite animal is not the owl because they are in trend and i dont like to like what people like.

My new favorite animal is…….the…..panda. coz they cute and clumsy like that.
theyre not alpacas coz you cant find any alpaca pictures at all! next to none. ):

no alpaca love. ))))))): 

what are you sorry for?

dont say sorry, sorry comes in a genuine action not a word.
im quite surprised you went back to this.
why dont you delete it. its full of hope. just delete it.its too much hope.

anyway im not angry or sad or anything, just really empty. i wont be surprised if i slowly start to forget too.

anyway, perhaps this could be and archive so i wont forget.
i found this somewhere on the internet that i wrote.

”i can switch to wanting to write poetry, wanting to devote all my time and effort, wanting to  risk things for her, to absolutely detesting whatever small empty promises she tells me. Detesting her lifestyle, hating her. And i find myself doubting why it is I am wasting so much time thinking about soemthing …..someone, who isnt mine anymore.

 

And i know, the reason is so solitary and simple, and thats hope. I still have hope that if one of us is still very invested, there is still hope.

and fuck the mindgames, fuck, i am so tired of mindgames.

im tired of my own mindgames. i wanna be blunt, and everything, because keeping things to yourself is psychosis.

i dont want anything to hide.

i fell in love with a girl. im still in love with the girl. i dont bathe at nights. i pray to god everyday for something sinful. i eat on the bed. i lied to my mom about the nailpolish and i havent thrown it away. im a hypocrite and i am too lazy to contact my friends. i am a flirt. i take money lying around the house. i pray at my convenience. i make up stories. i pity myself. im pathetic.” 

im not sure when i typed it, i cant even remember. but this is probably why if i got burning question i ask, i guess. hey man. dood.
youre awesome. thats all.
and please dont forget that im here for you when you say school sucks, seriously. its like you forget you have friends in school. and your only friends are in crescent.

im not even saying because “i ahve hope” coz i cant say that anymore haha, i cant feel anything for myself anymore so icant say it. im saying that as  a friend, its my responsibility to be there for you if you need anything.

but i cant be there for you if you dont want me to be there for you. do you get it. ok. cool fish. 

I’m so fucking sorry.

if a day comes when i cry too much and hate that i am,
if the day comes when i am so frustrated and ive given up trying to help myself recover,

ill just do it and end this . i mean, you said so yourself, didnt you.
i said “i want to die” and you said “then do it”

no ones waiting around for me over here, so i might as well when all hope is lost.
perhaps this holiday, i will be free. 

cupcakes.

I want to die.

love , me.

like the ghost of the past I come here to tell the Diana from that time I was everythingto her that I need her so so much that she doesn’t even know how much .

I come to tell her I understand her now when she cried the time she foun out about swiirl and she cried for me to not leave her, not yet.

because I feel it for weeks upon weeks now, having lost her to phrases like god gives god takes shit happens and bad things happen to make room for better things.

and i wish so much she would come back just for me .when is that going to happen? for just one person?

ibdont knwo why nowadays I cry as much as when I first lost her. is it because of certain events also? I cry even more in the mornings when I wak up an I can’t just text baby I love you so much for every day you are with me.

you can’t diagnose yourself with chronic depression can you? d0 depressed ppl know they’re depressed?if thy do, are they concious that they will try to get out of it? or isit universal that if you’re depressed you just don’t know how to get out of depression on your own?

I want someone to hug and cry on.just anyone really. a random stranger.

I want someone to tell me I mean something here. and my life is precious. coz idk if I do mean anything to anyone at all right now.

i will love you forever, and you should remember that i will. 
i will wait for you forever too, because i dont believe that anyone can force you into anything.

and i guess if you like someone else, then i am here and i will just, wait.coz i know my love is true and pure because not one ounce of it has withered. 

with every breakup there is that inevitable pain.

like it or not, its going to be there. even if you know you dont feel the same, it still hurts. for some reason.

i dont know why?